Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Pop Quiz: Political History

Question 1: In a piece of CBS interview footage left on the cutting room floor, John McCain erroneously said that it's "just a matter of history" that the surge created the Anbar Awakening in Iraq. In making the gaffe McCain emulated which U.S. president more than the others?

a) William Howard Taft
b) George W. Bush
c) Richard Nixon
d) Franklin Pierce

Question 2: Barack Obama flies several thousand miles to visit U.S. troops in Iraq, Kuwait and Afghanistan, where he is greeted with wild cheers. At the same time, John McCain is driven by former President George H.W. Bush several hundred feet in a golf cart to hobnob with rich Republicans in Kennebunkport, where he is greeted with polite applause. A senior strategist from which party greeted the contrasting photo ops with, "We're fucked"?

a) The Republican party
b) The Democratic party
c) The Libertarian party

Question 3: John McCain has gone on the record as being both for and against stem cell research. What is his actual position?

a) For stem cell research
b) Against stem cell research
c) All of the above

Question 4: In the sentence, "The McCain campaign called America a 'nation of whiners' and John McCain violated security rules by revealing when Barack Obama would be flying to Iraq and the Iraqi prime minister approved of Barack Obama's withdrawal plan for Iraq," what part of speech is the word "and"?

a) Noun
b) Verb
c) 9/11
d) Conjunction

Question 5: In terms of internet usage, when does John McCain say he'll master the process of "getting on myself"?

a) A week
b) A month
c) Fairly soon
d) Never

Question 6: For how long did John McCain pause in a confused panic before trying to answer a question about insurance coverage for Viagra versus insurance coverage for birth control?

a) Nine seconds
b) Three seconds
c) Five seconds
d) One second

Question 7: How many times has Senator Jack Reed or Senator Chuck Hagel had to whisper a correction in Barack Obama's ear because he embarrassed America by saying something ignorant and false?

a) One
b) Zero
c) Six

Question 8: Who horrified medical professionals when he made a pledge in a major televised speech to "deliver bottled hot water to dehydrated babies"?

a) Jack Kevorkian
b) Barack Obama
c) John McCain
d) Emeril Lagasse

Question 9: How many reporters greeted John McCain when he flew into Manchester, New Hampshire Monday night?

a) 1
b) 4
c) 10
d) 13

 Question 10: Who exercised sound judgment in October, 2002 with this remark: "I don't oppose all wars. And I know that in this crowd today, there is no shortage of patriots, or of patriotism. What I am opposed to is a dumb war. What I am opposed to is a rash war. A war based not on reason but on passion, not on principle but on politics."

a) Trent Lott
b) Barack Obama
c) Joe Lieberman
d) John McCain

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Answers: 1. b  2. a  3. c  4. d  5. c  6. a  7. b  8. c  9. a  10. b

Next week: fractions!

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday July 23, 2008

Note:  Is that a time horizon in your pocket or are ya just happy to see me?

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Democratic National Convention in Denver: 33
Days `til Casco Days: 1
Added value to investors when a company has an active political-lobbying department: 8%
(BusinessWeek via The Week)
Expected increase in global energy demand by 2030: 50%
Increases in carbon dioxide emissions by 2030: 51%
Expected daily global consumption of liquid fuels by then: 113 million barrels
(Source: Energy Information Administration)
Number of Amtrak routes that had a higher rise in ridership than the "Downeaster" Portland-to-Boston route in the latest fiscal year: 0 (up 28%)
(Source: Portland Press Herald)

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Mid-week Rapture Index: 165 (including 1 successful Netroots Nation convention and Jack Nicholson handing Jesus some spare change).  Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.  

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Puppy Pic of the Day: I agree...this is overkill.

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CHEERS to Barack the Conqueror.  Wowie zowie---that sound you hear is the blood draining from the mighty Republican penis.  President Senator Obama continued his swing through the Middle East yesterday with a boffo news conference.  Says McClatchy:

In a news conference at the historic ruins of the Citadel in Jordan's capital, Amman, just hours after completing a visit to Afghanistan, Obama also said that what he'd seen and heard there only underscored his desire to withdraw U.S. combat troops from Iraq over a 16-month period and to add more forces in Afghanistan.

He said that Iraqi leaders wanted to take charge of their country, while Afghanistan was deteriorating rapidly and threatened the safety of Pakistan and ultimately the United States. He termed the situation "perilous and urgent."

He also said that---gasp!---he, not the generals, would make the final military decisions if elected Commander-in-Chief.  Later King Abdullah drove Obama to the airport in his Mercedes (like that happens every day!), where he caught a flight to Israel.  Meanwhile, John McCain said that...aw, Christ, let's not ruin the moment.

JEERS to Pat Robertson's wet dream.  Netroots Nation concludes a successful convention in Texas, and immediately a hurricane threatens to turn the state into Satan's swimming pool.  Hey...at least it's not a meteor.  Pat's getting soft in his old age.

P.S. Or not.  He claims God wants us to bomb Iran back six thousand years to the beginning of time.  Wouldn't ya just love having him read bedtime stories to your kids at night?

CHEERS to defying expectations.  Eighteen years ago today, President Bush I announced that David Souter was his pick to replace William Brennan on the U.S. Supreme Court.  Souter's liberal leanings took conservatives by surprise, and today he serves as part of a fragile bulwark against the radical extremist activist justices on the right.  Stay healthy, man.

CHEERS to Van Jones.  The founder of Green For All gave the Sunday keynote at the Netroots Nation convention, and he mixed pep talk and cautionary tale with ease (The Group News Blog summary is here), and he's funny as hell.  A couple things we noted, paraphrased:

On what the right wing will do: "When he gets elected his middle name won't be Hussein anymore---it'll be Piñata.  Barack Piñata Obama."  We've got to have his back.  The Republicans will try to "Jimmy Carter" Obama during his first term, and we have to be ready to knock their heads together when they try.

On the task ahead: "The other side had their turn.  And they messed it up.  It's out turn now.  And it's gonna be like cleaning out a barn with a straw."

I also like the way he gave oil exploration a nice, nasty name: "drill and burn."  Oh, and he wanted everyone to know about a nationwide event in which you can take part on Saturday, September 27th.  Other than his oratorical brilliance and inspirational ideas backed by selfless action and common sense he pretty much sat around and hogged the doughnut tray.  Rude.

CHEERS to Union-savers.  On July 23, 1885, Ulysses S. Grant, the larger-than-life general who helped win the Civil War (even though he fainted at the sight of blood) and then went on to spend a rocky eight years in the White House, died in Mount McGregor, N.Y. at 63.  Today we appreciate him for this nugget from the book Rating the Presidents:

He kept his own religious values and practice to himself.  In the larger view for the country, he believed in a strict separation of church and state, stating in his seventh annual message to Congress: "Declare church and state forever separate and distinct; but each free within their proper spheres."

Go pay your respects here.  But don’t leave any cigars lying around---that’s what killed him.

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Gong!  Gong!!  BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!

This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man.  Newsweek's Conventional Wisdom Watch gives Obama an 'Up' arrow for looking presidential overseas, and then asks:  George W. who?

Dunno.

Now back to Cheers and Jeers.

Gong!  Gong!!  BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!

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JEERS to mixed-up priorities.  Wow---American oil executives are really a piece of work.  During a time of war, when the president is screaming for more exploration and R&D by Exxon-Mobil and the rest, when our refinery capacity fails to meet demand, and when We The People are giving them billions in tax breaks, the muckety mucks are less interested in finding gushers of oil than they are in gushers of dollars:

The five biggest international oil companies plowed about 55 percent of the cash they made from their businesses into stock buybacks and dividends last year, up from 30 percent in 2000 and just 1 percent in 1993, according to Rice University's James A. Baker III Institute for Public Policy.  The percentage they spend to find new deposits of fossil fuels has remained flat for years, in the mid-single digits.

Which answers the question, "Hey Bill, what story did you throw your shoe at this morning?"

JEERS to "That woman."  Today is Monica Lewinsky's 35th birthday.  And this just in: we don't give a shit.

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Two Years Ago in C&J: July 23, 2006...

JEERS to the Flatliner-in-Chief.  New polls out.  How BIIIIG is Bush's non-stop bounce?  ARG has his approval at 35%.  USA Today/Gallup is a bit kinder, at 37%.  And this morning's New York Times/CBS News poll pegs him at 36%.  He's so desperate for support that this weekend he'll be speaking at the YearlyWeebles convention.  (We hear that even their support is gettin' wobbly.)

JEERS to the lapdog press.  How poor of a job have they done informing the public that there were no WMDs found in Iraq?  So poor that today 50 percent still think there were.  Meanwhile 95% of the American public knows Taylor Hicks's shoe size and Angelina Jolie's favorite color, and 97% believe that Tom Cruise's baby was conceived on Pluto.  Well, some things are obvious, I guess.

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And just one more...

CHEERS to getting your way every time without even trying.  Ever wonder what life would be like if you could live by the rules insurance companies get to play by?  Looks like it would be pretty darn sweet.  And all you need is a billion dollars, some politicians in your pocket and a consciencectomy.  Call now---operators are standing by to scream "NO!" at the top of their lungs.  But have a nice day anyway.

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And here's the late Estelle Getty to play us out.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J/Netroots Nation Follow-up Testimonial:

"Bill, sorry for the titty-twister.  They're so perky, I was inebriated and couldn't resist."
---Kossack Dania Audax
7/22/08

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